Loving the Body

Hello again! 

    I believe that this will be my first blog that is truly helpful in the direction of growth. From what I've learned about myself, I must first go back and acknowledge what has happened in order to cause my insecurities and lack of confidence before I can grow away from them. 

    Some of the occurrences I still do not prefer to talk about unless it is with a close friend, but others I think are more than okay to share. 

    Honestly, I had a fairly good and fortunate home life. My parents stayed together, I had a mostly enjoyable older brother, and cousins and grandparents were always close. Although certain things in my home life could have contributed to some of my insecurities, I cannot blame them on my home.

    I believe the issues really started with school. I was a little chubbier than the other kids. I was taller than most of the boys and all of the girls. Looking back at pictures, I was not nearly as chubby as I told myself that I was back then, but it was enough to get me bullied. 

    On top of the extra weight, I was Lebanese and had more leg and arm hair than any of the other girls. And it was dark. At eight, I took my mothers razor and attempted to shave my legs, and by nine it was a regular occurrence. I even shaved my toes and tummy, hoping that the change would stop the meanness, but it only caused me to get bullied for shaving.

    In fifth grade, we discovered torsion ovarian cysts that were roughly the size of a softball, a baseball, and a golf ball. They had to be surgically removed and within a week of the surgery, I lost nearly twenty pounds. This extra weight was not bad habits or me being unhealthy, it was a medical issue that we had no clue about.

    Somehow, even this knowledge could not correct my mind of telling me that I was over weight. For the next six years, I would consider myself overweight, compare my body to others, and grow a hate for myself that I thought irreversible. 

    I taught myself to cope by dying my hair and piercing my ears. Wardrobe changes and splurging on unnecessary items consumed my mind. My coping mechanisms and thought processes were becoming unhealthy and repetitive. I would look in the mirror partially clothed and just start crying. My mental health began to decline and I was in an extremely toxic relationship with a boy, my family, and food. 

    I stopped eating, started working out with no guidance, and eventually became dizzy and nearly passed out on the side of the road. I was taken home, given Pedialyte, and fed Chick-Fil-A. I began tracking my calories to make sure I was getting enough, slowly my body shape changed, but I still hated it.

    I never really fixed my relationship with food until after school was shut down and I was on my own due to COVID. I was rarely at home, ended the bad relationships that I was in, and completely shut myself off. Finally, I found a friend at work who became more. He cherished me and my entire being, but that was not enough for me to love myself.

    The big thing that I think led to really fixing everything was an entire lifetime that led to one moment. I stood in the mirror, tears streaming down my cheeks, and declared that I wanted to love myself.

    After that, I would turn sideways in the mirror, put my hands on my tummy, and smile at myself. Most days, that smile was one of the hardest things that I did. I would even try myself to kiss my hand, and place it on the area that I hated the most that day. 

    Eventually, I would see posts on Instagram, and simply think, "wow, she looks really good in that," instead of wanting to look like her. I would wear things that may not match or be in style simply because they made me feel good. And I got to the point where I could look at myself in the mirror, partially clothed, and smile, giggle even sometimes. 

    My one of my biggest acts of self love was the day that I went through my entire closet and pulled out majority of my clothes and sold them. I bought jeans that fit me correctly, size medium shirts and blouses, and even a fitted, sexy dress. I eventually began to do body weight exercises in my room, following a fun app on my phone. I dyed my hair back to my natural color, and cleaned my room. I began to take better care of my pets and left some bridges burned. I began to work more and rekindled other relationships that were healthy. 

    Some times, I will look at my skin and tear up. Some days it is still hard to eat or smile when I look in the mirror. I have not rid my mind of all the hate that I built up for myself, but I have absolutely lessened it. 

    I hope that some of this can help you if you do not love yourself or your body today, and maybe smiling in the mirror or kissing the least favorite part of yourself could be part of your solution as well. 

I love you.